Now, my mind is dealing with the issue being wrote about in many places in the blogosphere; Dating.
I will start with a little trivia: Did you know that the use of the term 'date' grew in popularity in the 40's and 50's. When out on the town, men would introduce their date, which ultimately referred to the girl that was with whom for the sole purpose of getting something in return. With the wife and kids at home, the man and his date were together with the understanding that he would give her something in return for her company. The exchange may have been money, clothes, or sex, but it was clear that there was no romance or love involved, just an exchange of favors. In the purest essence she was his prostitute.
When I look at our societies use of this word, I don't find much differences. When a male asks a female for a date, he is essentially offering her a dinner or a movie in exchange for her company. There is always something expected, always some kind of exchange in a date.
So, now I have both parties of the sexes uptight at me, right? Well, I am an equal opportunity offender, with no apologies. I see something wrong with this trend.
What do I propose will fix this state of moral bankruptcy in our method of dating?How about, courtship, mentorship, and some sensibility.
I would refer us all to the book of Genesis, the 24 chapter.
1Now Abraham was old, advanced in age; and the LORD had blessed Abraham in every way. 2 Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he owned, "Please place your hand under my thigh, 3 and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live, 4 but you will go to my country and to my relatives, and take a wife for my son Isaac."
What this shows me is that we, as young Christians, need to rely on those spiritually more mature and in leadership over us to help us find our husband or wife. They know a lot more of what we need in a spouse then we do. This is also emphasized when the servant went through Laban, Rebekah's brother, to get permission for her hand in marriage. 50 "Then Laban and Bethuel replied, "The matter comes from the LORD; so we cannot speak to you bad or good. 51"Here is Rebekah before you, take her and go, and let her be the wife of your master's son, as the LORD has spoken."
Now this brings me to the ancient tradition of a dowry. Why did a man, like Abraham, give money to the family of the wanted bride? It is pretty simple actually. A price was paid for a few reasons, 1. For the groom to show that he would be able support the wanted bride. 2. The money was used by the brides family as kind of life insurance policy. If the husband died, it was to be enough to support the bride after his death. 3. It showed that she was worth spending the money on.
Because he didn't have any money, Jacob worked for 7 years as a slave to win the hand of Rachel, and when he was tricked into marrying Leah, he worked for another 7 years as a slave.
Guys at the seminary hear this; if the only dowry you are paying is a cup of coffee or even a dinner, don't expect much for a second date.
Women at the seminary hear this; if a guy isn't willing to work to support you or to show you that you are wonderful, don't call him back. Let him work a little.
Anyways, back to Genesis. And girls, get ready, it's coming your way. (This will be it for now, do to the length of the post) Women, pay attention to what Rebekah does here. 46"She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder, and said, 'Drink, and I will water your camels also'; so I drank, and she watered the camels also." This was not an easy task for her to do. It was actually pretty strenuous and tedious work to draw water from a well, and 7 camels can drink a lot of water. So, the lesson for you ladies, be generous, be kind, even when it takes a lot of effort.
There's a lot more that could be drawn out of this text for both parties, but there is not enough time. It comes down to the fact that we need to get our mature Christians involved in our courtship (because it is not an exchange of gifts). Talk to you pastor and his wife, your parents, your professor, those people that know you well and find out who they think will fit well and what you'll need out of a spouse.
Guys, work hard a pursuing the right girl, not just any or every girl. Isaac got his wife from another country because she was the right one.
Ladies, be generous, kind to the fellows, let them down gently, and don't settle for just coffee.
Guys, pursue.
Girls, be pursuable.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
Sorry- I have no insights, but you have been blog tagged! You have to write 5 things you miss and tag some people
excellent! I'm glad someone else sees the lessons to be gleaned from Rebekah's experience in Genesis. Last year the Lord gave me a very specific, "out of the blue" command that I was to be like a Rebekah. Only recently did God also reveal Ruth's situation as an option. To read more about that experience refer to my post from May (i believe) entitled "Becoming Ruth).
"Guys at the seminary hear this; if the only dowry you are paying is a cup of coffee or even a dinner, don't expect much for a second date.
Women at the seminary hear this; if a guy isn't willing to work to support you or to show you that you are wonderful, don't call him back. Let him work a little."
so, what does that look like? If a guy should do more than a cup of coffee or dinner to work for a girl-- what more should he do?
what do you think it looks like for a guy to work like Jacob did? What does a date look like? Or courtship or whatever we are supposed to call it?
Good post, Jeremy -- we women should learn the balance between being pursuable but also guarding our hearts and accepting with discernment. It's nice to know that there are guys who are willing to take their God-given roles in relationships.
Good question babe.
Before I answer this, I must state that I have only recently come to these principles of courtship. (Remember I admitted that I used to be a member of the rabid dogs).
I also must clarify that there is always exceptions and nothing is set in stone.
But, how many guys at Seminary or Boyce are only going to school? No, job, no position, only school? Quite a few. And, how many guys, if they do have jobs, are only working part time or just enough to pay the bills?
Do we know of a lot of single men working their butt off to have enough money saved up with the hope of marriage? I don't.
I think that it could look like this:
I guy is attending Seminary to go into the ministry, he sees a girl he is physically attracted to and know of enough about her to know that she might be quality stuff. So he goes and talks to his pastor or her pastor, his professors, and her professors, etc. and he is able to say to them, "I don't know much about this girl, but I was wandering what you think about us spending some time getting to know each other? Would that be worth our time? I have been working and attending school so that I can provide for her a house and food while I work in ministry. I have the financial ability to provide for her, do you think she would like that?"
Well, obviously she would. Cause come on ladies, what do you like more than a guy that can afford to take you out to dinner?
A guy who can afford to take you and your kids out to dinner! Right?
Work, Elders, Patience, with no Exptectation of something in return. That's how I see it looking.
I regret from the bottom of my soul, that I didn't learn this two years ago. I have wasted much of the last few years in play and no I can not offer what I feel I should be able to offer to Kristin. Because ultimately, if I really care for her, I will work for her to provide for her.
Unfortunately, guys only care enough for their future wives to come up with some clever line, and to me, that just does not cut it.
Kris-I really like this guy!
Also- I wrote a blog on this- but I listened to a Mark Driscoll sermon on Song of Songs 8. Vs 8 talks about the Beloved's brothers and how they protected her. Driscoll said that men in the Church (capital C-- the C community as a whole)have a burden/blessing of protection. The men in the church should be just as active in protecting the women in the church- making sure they know they are precious in God's sight and that they have great dignity and value. An obligation to make sure the men who come to pursue are the right kind of men with the right kind of motives. Messing with women who are part of community of faith is messing with entire family! Men would be forced to treat women with dignity and women would have the freedom to grow without having to be distrusful and defensive against the intentions of men.
I feel like pick-up lines and things of this nature do not communicate that I am a woman of dignity...they also make me a little distrustful and defensive against their intentions. Like Jeremy said, people should be involved. Men who can guard women from wrong intentions.
I think by Mark Driscoll helps me see how this works in a church: (I am repeating it as I remember it)
I couple walked into our church a few years ago, and it was obvious that they were not followers of Christ by how they were acting towards each other. They were a couple that I later found out were in a sexual relationship and it evident by the way they were touching eachother during the service. He was grabbing her, fondling her, slapping her butt, kissing her. Then the man that was sitting behind them in the pue leaned towards them and asked "Is she your wife?" and then the boyfriend looked startled that a stranger would ask such a question but answered "No, we are just dating." Next the guy in the pue said "Then, why are you touching her like that if she is not your wife? Do you not realize how much of a whore that makes her look to all of those around you?" The boyfriend was shocked, "She's my girlfriend, you don't have the right to say that to me." He then got this response (and it is the one that stuck with me) from the guy in the pue behind them, "Well, I do have the right, because this is my church and at this church, we don't treat women that way. Now you are more than welcomed to stay, or you can continue to touch her like that."
I'd rather have a guy take me out for coffee than have him raise funds to purchase me. Especially if you're suggesting he should only do that after he has me appraised for market value before wasting any time getting to know me. I want a man to be patient and prayerful and wise about the decision to pursue me, but I don't want it likened to a real estate investment. (Oh, and if a guy wants me to accept his invitation or even decline it graciously, he should probably ask ME before he polls the public.)
Ok, since you decide to remain nameless, I don't have a face to put any thing you say on, and that must not bother you. Therefore, I don't feel obliged to hold any comments that I normally would have if I would know who I am responding to.
#1. You say, "I'd rather have a guy take me out for coffee than have him raise funds to purchase me."
I never once used the language that would imply that I feel guys purchase anything from a girl. I don't feel that I must clarify this because I already did that in my post, if you even read the entire thing (along with the entire chapter of the Bible that I used). However, this leads me to ask you this; The dowery (which I explain in the post) was used for thousands of years. And Genesis shows how even the patriarchs of our faith used this system. These were the men and women who are the 'fathers' of our faith. They are the people who are the model of how life should and shouldn't be lived. Now here is the question; Are these Patriarchs not good enough to live by? Is there no signifigance in this entire chapter of 'God's Inspired Word' that you feel like it doesn't apply to you? Are you above the model of faith? And if you are offended by these questions, good! You should be. Because, I never once said that you were a piece of property that should be bought, neither does the Scripture. What it does say is that you should be and act like a special women of God, that doesn't settle for cup of coffee, because you deserve more than that.
#2 You also said, "he should only do that after he has me appraised for market value before wasting any time getting to know me."
Frankly, some girls aren't worth wasting the time getting to know. Especially the ones that feel that they don't deserve to be treated to something more than a cup of coffee.
I am not saying that women are a real-estate purchase, nor should they be treated like one. I just know that they deserve to be more than a 'possible wife, who gets the same offer that every other possible wife gets, because this one is no more special than the next.'
Women, I urge you again, if you are with a boy who doesn't have a job, get rid of him. If he won't work now, what's to say that he will get a job later.
If you are with a boy who can't show you that he is able to provide you with stability and security, why are you with him?
It shows you no respect or dignity as a woman of God to be with a guy who can only afford (or have the time) to by you a cup of coffee (if he can even do that)!
And next time someone wants to place a comment without a name, I say this: GROW UP.
Ok, so my wanderful girlfriend tells me that I should clarify onething.
I said, "If you are with a boy who can't show you that he is able to provide you with stability and security, why are you with him?"
Of course I know that some people, especially college males, struggle a little financially. And it is OK to struggle financially, when the guy is WORKING.
I know so many guys that talk about being offending when a girl rejects them and the whole time mommy and daddy are paying the bills.
I also know many girls who are supporting the guys they are with, simply because the guys don't have a job.
It's ok to struggle financially, if that is what it is struggling.
your "wanderful" girlfriend? ;)
Post a Comment